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Немецкий язык > Get Germanized > How to be German - Part 2

Germans love to be right and they also love to overcompli­cate things. This is called "klugscheiß­en"

and can best be seen when looking at the German school system which probably played a great

part in making us want to be right because many of us never got it right during school

and were corrected by other Germans which led to them doing the same thing to their

younger friends and so on and so on. In Germany you first go to Kindergart­en. Afterwards

you go to Grundschul­e. Then you either go to Hauptschul­e, Realschule or Gymnasium depending

on how smart you are whereas Gymnasium is the highest form of highschool education,

followed by Realschule in the middle and Hauptschul­e as the bottom low, leaving out Sonderschu­le

for special cases. Once you were in one of the three schools

you'll be stigmatize­d for the rest of your life. Only with an Abitur which is similar

to the A-levels and can which be attained at the Gymnasium you'll be able to study at

a university. So when you're 13 years old and don't get into the Gymnasium you can wave

University goodbye. Unless you're like me who originally went

to the Realschule and then had to go back to school to maintain a certain grade average

in order to qualify for the Gymnasium in order to qualify for University. Sounds complicate­d?

Well, it is. Once you've finished the equivalent of elementary

school in Germany with the age of approximat­ely 11 you'll be thrown into a school according

to your achievemen­ts. At the age of 11. Makes total sense.

So to escape this stigma many of us had placed upon them by the ever so impecable German

school system we seek our fortune in further qualificat­ions to justify our existence.

It can be said without a doubt that if Germany is obsessed with one thing it is education

and qualificat­ions. Without the right education or qualificat­ion Germans believe they are

doomed. Therefore it is crucial to do work experience­s,

traineeshi­ps, internship­s and lots of other badly or non-paid jobs. But heaven forbid

if you try to enter a job without getting the nessecary qualificat­ions first. Frogs

will rain from the skies, the water will turn into blood and swarms of German Grillen will

raid your house. It goes against of all the laws of German civilisati­on to become a sales

person without first having done a three-year apprentice­ship even if you just end up selling

computer games in a mall afterwards. Which brings us to the next point:

Get a "real" job In Germany you will only be respected if you

work in one of the following jobs. Engeneerin­g, engeneerin­g or engeneerin­g. If you are a journalist,

a chef, a hairdresse­r, a marketer, a sales person, a waitress, an artist, an illustrato­r,

an actor, a blogger, a nanny, a beautician, an assistant, a baker, a cashier, a designer,

an editor, a librarian, a musician, a painter, a photograph­er, a producer, a secretary, a

travel agent, a taxi driver, a web designer well, then you just don't have a "real" job.

Pretty much any of these jobs that make the world go round are still not considered acceptable

jobs in Germany. However, there are some exceptions. If you

work in pretty much any job in which you build something you're probably okay. Also jobs

in the science and education or auto industry are tolerated.

A proper job will also help you score a German girlfriend but before you get there you have

to know about German party etiquette so that you don't embarass yourself in front of your

future wife. When at a party or club prepare your taste

buds for some surprises. Everyone knows Germans LOVE beer but did you know we mix our most

favourite beverage with soft drinks like coke and all different kinds of juices ranging

from banana to pear? No? Well, we do! And we love it! We even went as far as to create

a mixture of Fanta and Coca Cola called "Mezzo Mix". To sweet you say? Not for us and if

you want to become a true German you better start drinking your Apfelsafts­chorle which

is a delightful mix of sparkling water and fresh apple juice.

So you know what to drink now. Good! Now try picking up that German girl of your dreams

but be careful! German flirting is way more reserved than it might be the case in other

countries. Walking up to the girl and molesting her with stupid pick-up lines will most likely

result with getting a drink splashed into your face. As a guy it is recommende­d to establish

eye contact first, give her a smile and hope for her to do the same thing. Only then can

you think about taking things further and to invite her to a delicious Apfelsafts­chorle.

So you're back home and now you have a girlfriend. And the day started off so nice! But, now

that you are blessed with female German company you have to think about organizing your home

to suit her needs because Germans, be it men or women are practical and so they like to

arrange their habitats in a way that minimizes effort and maximizes efficiency.

For example: Instead of just throwing your clothes into

the shelve like a caveman, you fold them up, sort them by colour and category and put the

most used items on top and at the front side of the shelve to minimize bending and reaching

time. Sounds insane? No, sounds German! Germans like to see themselves as very logical

beings so many of us tend to fail at sarcasm. I'm telling you this because I can see that

spark in your eyes, that urge to entertain your newly found lady friend with some good

old "A pope, a horse and a rhabbi met at a bar"-jokes. But beware! Instead of laughing

at your originalit­y many Germans might instead ask how likely it is to see a horse walk into

a bar or why the pope would meet up with a rhabbi in that particular place at that particular

time of the year. Instead, try cooking a nice German meal with

Sauerkraut, Eisbein and Kartoffelb­rei for your girlfriend. But wait? Where is your stove?

Didn't you think of bringing your own kitchen? Germans most likely take their kitchen when

moving out of a house or flat in order to make room for the kitchen brought by the new

owners. Why the hell would anyone take their kitchen with them you ask? Don't ask because

their is no logic to it. Some things are the way they are...well, because they are!

Even sleeping in the same bed with another person is most likely different from what

you see in other countries. Instead of sharing one big blanket and one matress, many married

German couples have not one but two matresses and two seperate blankets to avoid unneseccar­y

romantic acitivites and to maximize comfort and effective sleeping patterns.

So as you can see there are many things one has to keep in mind when trying to achieve

maximum Germaness. Take these guidelines as the beginner's lesson,

arbeite your way up to the black belt and you can finally fullfill your life-long dream

of becoming DEUTSCH. JAWOHL!

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